A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball — stuck right in the middle of the cow’s ass. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the Mrs., ‘This one here looks like yours!'”
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country, we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, cool down lady,” said the man. “Who’s talking about sex? I’m just telling my friend how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”