Like every other techie, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the just released, state-of-the-art, 64-bit, 128 mega-RAM, 48x, 24/7, in-your-face, out-of-your-control Microself Windows 2001. Yes, that was me at the front of the line in our local Get-a-Life Software store, waiting, waiting for the moment when the future went on sale. And now that the future is installed on my computer, there’s no looking back.
To be truthful, I don’t use computers. They use me. They use me as a portal between the glittering new world of information and the mundane world where ordinary people have to eat, talk, and sometimes be sad. Computers use my nimble fingers to unlock their codes, releasing raw information into the ether. Taking my mission as seriously as I do, I wanted the most up-to-the-second tool on the market. And that’s why, the day after I installed Windows 2001, I was back at Get-a-Life buying the upgrade, Windows 2001, version 2.0.
With Windows 2001 2.0, I don’t process information. I download it into my body. Using Windows’ revolutionary US-ME serial port installed in my navel, I plug myself into my computer. Like the umbilical cord that fed me when I was mere flesh, the US-ME cable feeds raw data straight into my bloodstream. There it flows until it reaches the central processing unit I used to call my brain. And there, Windows’ revolutionary Brain Bot – a tiny microchip embedded in my cerebrum – turns that raw data into wisdom that makes me smarter, richer, and so much wiser than the rest of you.
Did you know that the capital of Uganda is Kampala? That Soupy Sales had a lion puppet named Pookie? That the square root of 3 is 1.732? And that today’s kids will spend 23 years of their lives on the Internet swimming through vital data like this? Oh, it’s a changing world, my friend. When you leave your Silicon Valley job for two weeks of R & R, take a cruise to Antarctica, step onto an ice floe and see penguins crowded around a laptop checking out The Weather Channel, get worried!
But I’m not worried, I’m wired. Wired to the upgraded upgrade I bought last weekend. Windows 2001 3.0 is the one with