December 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2: Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5: Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.
December 6: Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7: Debug Windows ’98.
December 10: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11: Lay Faberge egg.
December 12: Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13: Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14: Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15: Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17: Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.
December 19: Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
December 22: Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23: Seed clouds for a white Christmas.
December 24: Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25: Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.
December 26: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27: Build a snowman in the exact likeness of God.
December 28: Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.
December 29: Dig up sand from the quarry and make new chips for my four computers.
December 30: Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on the lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.
December 31: New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions.