admin Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX: Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? Abbott: Yes, that’s correct. Costello: No, what is it? Abbott: Yes. Costello: So, which is the one? Abbott: No. ‘which’ is used to find the program. Costello: Stop this. Who are you? … Read more
Dear Sir, I’ve been having some conflicts between programs lately. I’ve been running the original version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 as my primary application and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But … Read more
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44 a.m. by his ringing telephone. “Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely 4:44 a.m., Bernard called his … Read more
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed … Read more
An old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical. His wife came along to keep him company. The doctor checked his reflexes, looked down his throat, and listened to his chest with a stethoscope. He made a few notes and said, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.” … Read more
At some point in time, a bad spell of wet weather came over a southern state, flooding many counties. The water was about six feet deep outside and inside their house, so one family spent its time sitting on the porch roof, watching the wreckage float by. The son noticed a nice straw hat as … Read more
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obituary editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects, and then says, “Well then, let it read: ‘Fred Brown died.’” Amused at the woman’s thrift, … Read more
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to recount the most frightening experience he had ever had. “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,” the old explorer said. “I was pushing through the brush on a narrow … Read more
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and a gold Rolex.” “But you’re not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist. “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m … Read more
The old man was sitting on his porch when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. “What are you selling, young man?” the elderly gentleman asked. “I’m not selling anything, sir,” the young man replied. “I’m a Census Taker.” “A what?” the old man asked. “A Census Taker. We … Read more