At some point in time, a bad spell of wet weather came over a southern state, flooding many counties. The water was about six feet deep outside and inside their house, so one family spent its time sitting on the porch roof, watching the wreckage float by. The son noticed a nice straw hat as … Read more
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and a gold Rolex.” “But you’re not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist. “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m … Read more
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?” “274” was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, … Read more
Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie did appear! This particular … Read more
Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!” “Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been … Read more
This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. “Where is he?” he shouts. “Where’s the guy who’s been sleeping with you?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says, so he tears the house apart … Read more
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells … Read more
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have … Read more
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. “Mr. President,” said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, “there’s good news and bad news.” “Oh, no…” muttered the President, “Well, let me have the bad news first.” “The bad news, sir, is that we’ve been invaded by creatures from … Read more
There were three fathers-to-be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. The nurse came out and told the first father, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins!” “It figures,” the first father said. “I’m the manager of the Minnesota Twins.” Five minutes later, the nurse came out and told the second … Read more