Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line … Read more
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?” “Hello, is this FBI?” “Yes. What do you want?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.” “This will be noted.” Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece … Read more
Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident. As Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. “Where’s my friend Mike?” Jeff asks the old Saint. St. Peter replies, “Mike wasn’t as fortunate as you. Instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction.” Jeff was deeply concerned by this and … Read more
Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.” Arthur thought about it for a … Read more
A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment, and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his … Read more
There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, piranhas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. Well, nobody was up … Read more
Two friends, Sullivan and O’Doule, worked together at the Guinness Brewery in Dublin. They hadn’t been working there very long when one day, with no warning, O’Doule falls into one of the vats. To make a long story short, Sullivan’s lifelong pal drowns. Sullivan, being O’Doule’s best friend, feels obligated to go to the widow … Read more
The policeman signals to a car driver to pull over to the side of the road, as he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, “You appear to have been drinking!” The driver answers, “No sir, I am just tired.” The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is … Read more
A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, “You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want.” The man opens the first door and sees a bunch of people standing on … Read more
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others,” he is told by the doorman. Einstein … Read more