Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter with flowing hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. … Read more
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to … Read more
These are the names of some romantic countries in the world: H.O.L.L.A.N.D. – Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies. I.T.A.L.Y. – I Trust And Love You. L.I.B.Y.A. – Love Is Beautiful; You Also. F.R.A.N.C.E. – Friendships Remain And Never Can End. C.H.I.N.A. – Come Here….. I Need Affection. B.U.R.M.A. – Between Us, Remember Me … Read more
A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to have sex for the first time. As they start to settle under the covers, she tells her husband, “I’ve got a confession. I’m not a virgin, but I’ve been with only one man.” The husband thinks for a second and says, “Well, it’s 2003, … Read more
Dear Dad, School is really great. I’ve made lots of friends and am studying hard. With all my stuff, I simply can’t think of anything I need, so if you would like, you can just send me a card, as I would love to hear from you. Love, your son. Reply from Dad: Dear Son, … Read more
– During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. – All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. – Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside … Read more
Here are some comeback answers: – You haven’t asked yet. – I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. – Because I just love hearing this question. – Just lucky, I guess. – It gives my mother something to live for. – My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole. – I’m still hoping for … Read more
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? Hog and kisses! What would you get if you crossed Odie with the God of love? A stupid cupid! Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine’s Day! Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental! What did the … Read more
Martha Stewart Vs. Real Women: MARTHA STEWART If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.” REAL WOMEN If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s … Read more
One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died … Read more