If men really did rule the world… – Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. – Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.” – Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards. – When … Read more
How Dogs and Men Are the Same: 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches. … Read more
There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman sitting on the edge of a cliff having a picnic. The Scotsman says, “Oh god, I’ve got ham in my sandwiches again. If I get ham tomorrow, I’ll jump off this cliff.” The Englishman looks in his sandwiches and says, “Oh, I’ve got beef in my … Read more
A middle-aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months. She always bought just one large can of dog food. One day, the grocery clerk asked the woman what kind of dog she had. She replied, “I don’t have a dog; my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he … Read more
A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: “Our deepest sympathy.” But she was not nearly as … Read more
Two men were fishing in a pond one day when a funeral procession went by. One of the men stood up, took off his hat, and stood there until it passed completely. The other guy said, “You know, that was really decent of you to do that.” The first man replied, “Yeah, it’s the least … Read more
Paddy and Mick were standing at a road junction. They spotted a truck carrying a load of rolled-up lawn turf. Paddy says to Mick, “Aye, that’s what I’m going to do when I win the lottery.” Mick says, “What’s that then, Paddy?” Paddy replies, “Send my grass away for cutting.”
This guy goes to a pub and asks the bartender for 10 shots of tequila. The bartender says, “No, that’s too much.” The guy tells the bartender he just found out his brother is gay. The bartender says that’s understandable and gives the guy 10 shots of tequila. The next day, the same guy goes … Read more
An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, “Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!” The man’s eyes turn cloudy. St. Peter says, “And the weather here is always good.” A tear … Read more
When the end of the world comes, everybody on earth goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women … Read more