There were these two builders called Pat & Mick who were working on a building site. One day, during their lunch break, Pat notices something in Mick’s lunchbox: “What’s that long silver thing in your box, Mick?” “Oh, that, it’s my Thermos Flask,” replies Mick. “What’s a Thermos Flask?” inquires Mick. “It keeps hot things … Read more
A man took his old duck to the doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn’t eat. The doctor explained to the man that as ducks age, their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up its food. “What you need to do is gently file the … Read more
There were three women speeding down a country road. One was a brunette, another a redhead, and the third a blonde. A cop saw them speeding and put on his siren. The three girls pulled over, got out of the car, and each climbed up a different tree to hide. The cop pulled over and … Read more
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after … Read more
Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, “Will I see you pretty soon?” “What’s the matter,” she asked, hurt. “Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”
A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, “Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot.”
Professor Papp, turning to woman: Can you believe that the trustees named someone so ugly to be our new dean? Woman: I beg your pardon! Do you know who I am? I’m that ugly man’s wife! Professor Papp: And do you know who I am? Woman: No, I haven’t had the “pleasure.” Professor Papp: Good, … Read more
A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand-new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. After telling him to come in, the colonel felt an urge to impress the young airman, so he picked up his phone and … Read more
“As you can see, class,” said the medical school professor, pointing to an X-ray, “this patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are both radically arched. Johnson, what would you do in this case?” “Well, ma’am,” said the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. “Who is it?” she called out. “Blind man,” came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man’s jaw dropped and he stammered, “Wh-where do you … Read more