Miscellaneous

After examining his patient, he informed Mr. Jones, “I’m afraid you only have two months left to live. Do you have any requests?” “Yes, I’d like a second opinion.” “Fine. I also think you’re ugly as sin.”

“Joe,” a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, “do you mind telling me whose class you’re cutting this time?” “Like,” the young teen replied, “uh, see, okay, like it’s like I really don’t like think like that’s really important, y’know, like because I’m y’know, like I don’t get anything out of it.” “It’s English … Read more

Flight attendant: I’m sorry to inform you, Mr. Jones, but we accidentally left your wife back in Chicago. Man: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

One day, the owner of a very large daily newspaper company walked down the halls and greeted one of his workers, “Jones, how long have you been working here?” Jones replied, “Ever since I heard you coming down the hall.”

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800. The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!” The plumber waited for him to finish and … Read more

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room … Read more

There once was a redneck who decided to buy a chainsaw. A logging foreman sold him one that he guaranteed would cut down 15 trees in a single day. A week later, a very unhappy redneck came back to report that the saw must be faulty. He only cut one tree per day. The foreman … Read more

“I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!” “That’s nothing. I was fishing the other day and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!” “If you blow out the light, I’ll take 200 pounds off the marlin.”

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, “Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in connection to this, I’d like everyone to read Mark 17.” On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, “Now then, all of you who have done as requested … Read more

An architect, an artist, and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he … Read more