These three guys escape from Alcatraz prison. One is British, one is American, and the last one is Turkish. But now they’re bored and so they’re wandering around thinking of something to do. “Let’s play golf,” the American finally says. “I don’t know how to play that,” the Turk says. “Oh, it’s easy,” answers the … Read more
An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialling, his … Read more
This guy is cruising at about 90 mph on the highway when a cop flicks on his siren. The guy starts to speed up, and so the cop starts to chase him. They get to 120, then 130, and finally 140 mph when all of a sudden the guy stops and pulls over. The cop … Read more
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic week vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.” After lunch he goes … Read more
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, God! Help … Read more
Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and strikes up a conversation with the landlord. Fellow: “I shouldn’t drink this with what I’ve got!” Landlord: “Why, what have you got?” Fellow: “Fifty Pence!”
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The … Read more
A man was walking in the mountains, just enjoying the scenery, when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation, he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear, he assessed his situation. He … Read more
An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?” The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. … Read more
A man was inquiring about Viagra to a pharmacist. The pharmacist said, “These pills work wonders for me; I can go for 3 hours! I only have to take one pill.” Interested, the man asked, “Can you get it over the counter?” The pharmacist looked startled and replied, “Maybe if I take two pills!”