“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. “If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor, and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor, and the doctor said, “Your … Read more
Her husband had passed on, and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine. She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her. “Is there anything he needs?” the distraught woman asked, between tears. The spiritualist went into a … Read more
An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, “How’d you do that?” “I could tell you, sir,” the magician answered, “but then I’d have to kill you.” After a short pause, the man … Read more
Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, “You’re lying!” The other politician responded, “I know, but hear me out.”
Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, “I’m sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you … Read more
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for … Read more
A man walks into a store and sees a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, “May I help you with anything?” “Yea! What is that?” “Why, that’s a thermos!” “What’s it do?” “It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!” “I’ll take it.” The next day the man goes to work … Read more
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told … Read more