Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk … Read more
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” – Henny Youngman “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – George Burns
A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined. After the trial, he asked the judge, “Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?” The judge said that was true. … Read more
The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary’s new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bulletproof windows, floodlights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary is on her way home.
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley and is browsing the cages on display. While there, a customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey, please.” The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage, and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands … Read more
The National Football League announced yesterday its name changes and schedules for the ’99 season. The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay … Read more
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now, this took … Read more
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP… BUMP… BUMP sound behind him. Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run towards his … Read more
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. Suddenly, a seagull flies over and craps all over them. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on, the bathroom is just up the hill. I’ll go get some toilet paper.” After she leaves, the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead asks, … Read more
Bridget got sick of all these “dumb blonde” jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in our office the next day, Jim started telling one he just got on the internet. She cut him off cold. “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want … Read more