Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he … Read more
A drunk walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.” So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him … Read more
THE GIRL’S PRAYER Our Cash Which art on plastic Hallowed be thy name Thy Cartier watch Thy Coach bag In Gumps As it is in Tiffany’s Give us each day our Platinum Visa And forgive us our overdraft As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard And lead us not into K-mart And deliver us … Read more
In Praise Of Older Women An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think. Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. Older … Read more
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project – an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office ‘oomph’ of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as … Read more
Two church members were going door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close … Read more
Sure, here is the corrected text: So, you know, I’ve been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say, they are great. They teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, and as smart as a dragon. Why, just the other day, these guys came up to me … Read more
DOS: Defective Operating System. WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System. MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Fools Teenagers. ISDN: It Still Does Nothing. MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes. If Not, The Operating System Hangs.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client … Read more
My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.” I asked her what it was, and she told me it has water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, “You know I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the carburetor … Read more