An Irishman finds a bottle in his garden, and when he rubs it, a genie comes out. “You have three wishes,” the genie says. The Irishman thinks for a little while, and then he says: “I would like to have a bottle of the finest whisky in the world, and that no matter how much … Read more
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket – went in to try out for the job. “Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?” “11,” he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s … Read more
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the … Read more
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What’s that? Lady 2: A condom. Lady 1: Where’d you get it? Lady 2: You can get … Read more
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up … Read more
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out … Read more
A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks: – Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window? – … Read more
A man enters a cafe, sits down, and notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, “I’ll take the cold chili.” “I’m sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl,” says the waitress. “Oh. I’ll just have coffee, then.” After a … Read more
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says to himself: “I’m screwed.” There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash … Read more
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, “Sure’n I’ll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?”