It was opening night at the theatre, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a … Read more
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk, and then he … Read more
The warden of the prison walked into Death Row and stopped in front of one of the cells. He said to the inmate, “I’m sorry, but the Governor has rejected your plea for clemency and the execution will have to go forward. Do you have any last wishes or requests?” The prisoner thought for a … Read more
One afternoon, a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” the carpet layer … Read more
Three men are having a conversation about each other’s daughters: an Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irishman. The Englishman said, “I found a packet of cigarettes in my daughter’s bedroom. I didn’t even know she smokes.” The Scottish man replied, “Well, that’s nothing. I found a bottle of whiskey in my daughter’s bedroom. I … Read more
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes … Read more
At communion, you go back for seconds. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank. Long-distance companies don’t call you to switch. You give blood every day… just for the orange juice. McDonald’s is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments. American Express calls and … Read more
These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one, “Do you have a last request?” The convict says, “Yes. I’d like to hear a Christina Aguilera song one last time.” The Warden says, “OK, I think we can arrange that.” Then he says to the second convict, “How about … Read more
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and … Read more
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the same bandit had robbed the bank 3 times successively. “Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever change his appearance?” asks the agent. “Yes,” replies the teller. “He was better dressed each time.”