His And Hers ATMs HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card, and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you’re too far … Read more
A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knock him out, and when he comes around, there is a doctor peering over him, pulling up the eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer. The doctor says, “Ah, I’m glad you’re awake. I’m afraid I have some mixed news.” The man says, “Don’t … Read more
In the days of old sailing ships, the captain of the Seahawk went out on deck to get some fresh air. From above, a cry came down from the crow’s nest: “Enemy ship off the port bow!” The captain said to the ensign standing next to him, “Get me my red shirt.” A battle ensued, … Read more
On doctor’s orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services. Melling’s brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. “Would you like to see the body?” the undertaker asked. “I might as well take … Read more
Here is the corrected version: Sing it, it sounds better: His baloney has a first name: It’s “I did not inhale.” His baloney has a second name: “I wasn’t getting tail.” He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a way Of making bullsh*t sound … Read more
She had been seeing the psychoanalyst for years, pouring out her heart to him twice a week. However, she was making no progress, and the doctor didn’t believe she ever would. “Mrs. Porter,” he said at the end of one session, “do you think these visits are doing you any good?” “Not really,” she said. … Read more
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so they went to the congregation and the preacher asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive, so the congregation … Read more
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and said, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your … Read more
Our three previous presidents and the current president found themselves following the famous Yellow Brick Road on their way to meet The Wizard. They were all missing just a little something and figured The Wizard could help them. They meet The Wizard, and he asks each in turn what they need. “Well,” Jimmy Carter says, … Read more
A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, and the bolts that held the wheel on rolled into the sewer. A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that he take one bolt off of the remaining three tires to hold up the new tire until he … Read more