The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of “perfectly good aircraft.” “Obviously the Air Force knows there’s no such thing as a ‘perfectly good aircraft,’” the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, “because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in … Read more
1st Officer: “Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?” 2nd Officer: “Who?” 1st Officer: “Janet Jackson!” 2nd Officer: “What did she do, was she speeding?” 1st Officer: “Nah, she had one headlight out.”
Five tourists in an Audi Quattro arrive at a border crossing. The customs officer waves them over. “It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro,” he says. “What do you mean illegal?” asks the driver. “Quattro means four,” replies the officer. “Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the driver retorts. “Look … Read more
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. “I can’t do that, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.” “Okay, we’ll just get a … Read more
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants … Read more
There’s an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman being chased by a policeman. They see an old warehouse and run inside. There are three empty sacks on the floor, and each of them jumps into a sack. The policeman enters and sees the three bundles on the floor. He goes up to the first one … Read more
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied, “I don’t know, it all … Read more
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says, “Hey … Read more
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put … Read more
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: “I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.” Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: “I’ve circled the block … Read more