“Excuse me, sir.” “Is that you again, Moses?” “I’m afraid it is, sir.” “What is it this time, Moses? More computer problems?” “How did you guess?” “I don’t have to guess, Moses. Remember?” “Oh, yeah. I forgot.” “Tell me what you want, Moses.” “But you already know. Remember?” “Moses!” “Sorry, sir.” “Well, go ahead, Moses. … Read more
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally, she went to the pastor’s study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers, … Read more
Three pastors in the South were having lunch in a diner. One said, “You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything—noise, spray, cats—nothing seems to scare them away.” Another said, “Yeah, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry. I’ve even … Read more
Brother John entered the ‘Monastery of Silence’ and the Abbott said, “Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.” Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Abbott said to him: “Brother … Read more
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?” Father Patrick replied, “No, we cannot have services for an animal … Read more
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven … don’t step on the ducks.” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a … Read more
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what … Read more
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven’s gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up, and they ask him. … Read more
In the beginning, God created heaven and the earth. Quickly, he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked … Read more
The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, “I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!” Half of his congregation stood up. He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!” A couple of men stood up. He … Read more