If men really did rule the world…
– Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
– Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
– Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
– When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
– Birth control would come in ale or lager.
– Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
– The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
– “Sorry I’m late, but I got hammered last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
– At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
– It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
– Tanks would be far easier to rent.
– Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
– Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
– Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
– On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.
– St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
– Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
– Two words: ALLY MCNAKED.
– Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
– The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle.”
– It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
– Every man would get four real “Get Out of Jail Free” cards per year.
– When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your