A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing – “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year.”
A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his head was the size of a thimble. The first man said, “Please excuse me for staring but I can’t help but be curious as to why your body is … Read more
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor. “Do you wash?” the doctor asked the smelly young girl. “Oh, yes,” Mary answered. “Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible.” “Well,” the doctor concluded, … Read more
So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away … Read more
Two guys were walkin’ down a grassy road, houses to the left, houses to the right. Soon, they came across a strange lookin’ pile o’ somethin’ on the ground. First dude: “Hey, I wonder what this is.” Second dude: “It’s smelly and awful.” 1st: “It’s brown and nasty.” 2nd: “Why don’t you taste it?” So … Read more
Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living. Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning. Man: Deductive reasoning? What is that? Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have … Read more
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically … Read more
1. Only in Canada… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in Canada… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in Canada… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy … Read more
The new company recruit was lazy. One morning he dialed the number of the cafeteria, but got the wrong number. When someone picked up the phone, he said, “I don’t feel like working today. Can you send up a coffee and a muffin, and I’ll just sit around and read the paper?” “Do you know … Read more
This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95: “Will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.”