Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn’t expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immediately ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the … Read more
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical … Read more
February 10, 2003 It’s Saturday morning and John’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. “Hello?” says a little … Read more
Woman: “Is there a problem officer?” Officer: “Ma’am, you were speeding.” Woman: “Oh, I see.” Officer: “Can I see your license please?” Woman: “I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.” Officer: “Don’t have one?” Woman: “Lost it 4 times for drinking.” Officer: “I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?” … Read more
A seven-year-old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather. When they arrive, he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa’s room. “Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog,” he shouted. “What for?” asked his grandpa. “Grandma said that as … Read more
Five tourists in an Audi Quattro arrive at a border crossing. The customs officer waves them over. “It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro,” he says. “What do you mean illegal?” asks the driver. “Quattro means four,” replies the officer. “Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the driver retorts. “Look … Read more
Three men are involved in a car crash on December 24th and arrive at the pearly gates where they are met by Saint Peter. He tells them that because it is Christmas Eve, they must go back to the car and find something related to Christmas and give it to him in order to enter … Read more
Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn’t make it back to Alabama until the morning … Read more
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the physician in … Read more
There’s a captain and his crew, and they always won naval battles. One day, a sailor called out, “Cap’! 10 ships approaching!” The Captain replied, “Get me my red shirt!” They did, he put it on, and they won the battle. Later, a sailor called, “Cap’! 20 ships!” “Get me my red shirt!” They did, … Read more