A guy and his wife enter the hospital and explain to the doctors that she is about to give birth. They take her into a room and a few minutes later, the doctor comes out and tells the guy, “Your baby is OK but it looks like he’ll be born without a leg.” He goes … Read more
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told … Read more
Dear Dad, School is really great. I’ve made lots of friends and am studying hard. With all my stuff, I simply can’t think of anything I need, so if you would like, you can just send me a card, as I would love to hear from you. Love, your son. Reply from Dad: Dear Son, … Read more
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up … Read more
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied, “I don’t know, it all … Read more
Here are some comeback answers: – You haven’t asked yet. – I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. – Because I just love hearing this question. – Just lucky, I guess. – It gives my mother something to live for. – My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole. – I’m still hoping for … Read more
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line … Read more
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip … Read more
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? Hog and kisses! What would you get if you crossed Odie with the God of love? A stupid cupid! Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine’s Day! Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental! What did the … Read more
A guy goes into a store and says to the clerk, “I’d like some Polish Sausage.” The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?” The guy says, “Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian, or if I had asked for German … Read more