This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, “You’re not from around here, are ya?” “No,” replied the man, “I’m from Pennsylvania.” The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, what do you do in Pennsylvania?” “I’m a taxidermist,” said the man. … Read more
A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of … Read more
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What’s that? Lady 2: A condom. Lady 1: Where’d you get it? Lady 2: You can get … Read more
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true. “I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed. The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news. “So, did you jump?” the … Read more
Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident. As Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. “Where’s my friend Mike?” Jeff asks the old Saint. St. Peter replies, “Mike wasn’t as fortunate as you. Instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction.” Jeff was deeply concerned by this and … Read more
Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.” “Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.” Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to … Read more
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the … Read more
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE … Read more
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.” “Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?” They agreed this is a good … Read more