The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?” “Hello, is this FBI?” “Yes. What do you want?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.” “This will be noted.” Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece … Read more
After my plane landed, I proceeded to the airport baggage area. To my dismay, there was no sign of my bags. I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. “Not to worry,” she smiled as she took a description of my bags. “Your luggage is … Read more
A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, “Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?” “Nothing,” sighed the little guy despondently. “You see, today has been the worst day of my … Read more
Martha Stewart Vs. Real Women: MARTHA STEWART If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.” REAL WOMEN If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s … Read more
The World’s Shortest Books – “My Plan To Find The Real Killers” by O.J. Simpson – The Difference between Reality and Dilbert – Human Rights Advances in China – “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman – Al Gore: The Wild Years – Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean – America’s Most … Read more
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his … Read more
There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old-looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A … Read more
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?” “I don’t know, some idiot asking if the … Read more
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?” “I think that is a wise decision,” the doctor replies. “Let’s see, do you smoke?” “Oh.. Half a pack a day.” “Starting NOW, no more smoking.” The man agrees. The doctor then asks, “Do you … Read more
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?” George replied, “God and me are tight. He … Read more