A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly, he hears a deep voice: “DIG!” He looks around, but nobody’s there. “I am having hallucinations,” he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: “I SAID, DIG!” So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small … Read more
December 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2: Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in … Read more
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the … Read more
An American was backpacking across the highlands when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night. Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual. “Ya see that fence out there?” the old … Read more
A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: “I hope I haven’t made you feel uncomfortable – it’s just that you … Read more
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” The gas pumps, of course, didn’t respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. The … Read more
One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died … Read more
This guy sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of tequila and downs them straight. The bartender, impressed, asks, “Hey buddy, did you have a long day?” The man replies that he just found out that his brother was gay and leaves. The next day, the same guy comes in and orders ten … Read more
John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then, a man came in coughing and asked John for … Read more
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says, “Hey … Read more