Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery: – Oops! – Has anyone seen my watch? – That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk. – Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! – Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual? – OK, now … Read more
Three men, one German, one Japanese, and a Texan, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager,” he said, “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes … Read more
A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you a veteran?” The guy says, “Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.” “Good,” says the interviewer, “That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?” The guy says, “In fact I am … Read more
“So tell me, Mrs. Jones,” asked the interviewer, “do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?” “Well, actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I also finished my novel.” “Very impressive,” commented the interviewer, “but I was thinking of skills … Read more
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.” The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple … Read more
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful. What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go … Read more
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.” The second lady says, “You think that’s … Read more
An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy’s cheek and saying, “zzzt!” Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, “If you do that one more time, I’ll chop your pecker off!” Again, the alien poked his cheek … Read more
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate quickly retrieved … Read more