A man who was called to testify at the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most … Read more
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter. “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter. … Read more
So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for: – There are 365 days per year available for work. – There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. – Since you spend 16 hours … Read more
An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it. “Thank God,” she says. A man in the seat behind her says, “Excuse me, comrade, but this is an atheist society. You should say … Read more
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. “Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had for so long!” “Do you mean that repulsive … Read more
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next-door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a … Read more
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed feet?” The mother replies, “Well, son, when we trek across the desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.” “OK,” said the son. A few minutes later, … Read more
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He says, “Doctor, I’m suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And … Read more
A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!” The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells “CHEERS!” and downs their drinks. The bartender says, “That’ll be $37.50.” The drunk says, “Kiss my … Read more
“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy. “Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.” “But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” “But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” … Read more