A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade … Read more
A preacher is buying a parrot. “Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher. “Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him. “Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord’s Prayer, and when you pull on the left he … Read more
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes … Read more
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around … Read more
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.” “But officer, I just wanted to say…” “And I said … Read more
A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they saw a turtle run past them, jump off the branch, and flap his arms as hard as he can. He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other, “Dear, … Read more
A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the plane. The German sticks his hand out and says, “We are in Germany.” The others ask, “How do you know?” The German says, “Cuz’ it’s so cold.” Then … Read more
Three men are having a conversation about each other’s daughters: an Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irishman. The Englishman said, “I found a packet of cigarettes in my daughter’s bedroom. I didn’t even know she smokes.” The Scottish man replied, “Well, that’s nothing. I found a bottle of whiskey in my daughter’s bedroom. I … Read more
One afternoon, a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” the carpet layer … Read more
An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied (with a Yiddish accent), “Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread.” So the next day, the manager told … Read more