A screenwriter came home to a burned-down house. His sobbing and slightly singed wife was standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asked. “Oh, John, it was terrible,” she wept. “I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on … Read more
A man sent his clothing out to the local laundry. When it came back, there were still stains on his underwear. The next week he enclosed a note saying, “Use more soap on underwear.” This went on for several weeks, with the underwear returning stained, and the man sending the note, “Use more soap on … Read more
The stockbroker’s secretary answered his phone one morning and said, “I’m sorry, Mr. Bradford’s on another line.” “This is Mr. Ingram’s office,” the caller said. “We’d like to know if he’s bullish or bearish right now.” “He’s talking to his wife,” the secretary replied. “Right now I’d say he’s sheepish.”
Men are like… Floor tile. Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime. Men are like… Placemats. They only show up when there’s food on the table. Men are like… Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like… Bike helmets. Handy in an … Read more
When the end of the world comes, everybody on earth goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women … Read more
A priest at a parochial school was trying to elicit rules for proper behavior in church from the youngsters. He asked, “What rules do your parents give you before taking you to a nice restaurant?” The second-graders responded: – “Don’t play with your food.” – “Don’t be loud.” Then, the priest asked one little boy, … Read more
An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, “Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!” The man’s eyes turn cloudy. St. Peter says, “And the weather here is always good.” A tear … Read more
This guy goes to a pub and asks the bartender for 10 shots of tequila. The bartender says, “No, that’s too much.” The guy tells the bartender he just found out his brother is gay. The bartender says that’s understandable and gives the guy 10 shots of tequila. The next day, the same guy goes … Read more
A woman gets on a bus holding her baby. “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen,” says the bus driver. In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her senses her agitation and asks what’s wrong. … Read more
Paddy and Mick were standing at a road junction. They spotted a truck carrying a load of rolled-up lawn turf. Paddy says to Mick, “Aye, that’s what I’m going to do when I win the lottery.” Mick says, “What’s that then, Paddy?” Paddy replies, “Send my grass away for cutting.”