Two men were fishing in a pond one day when a funeral procession went by. One of the men stood up, took off his hat, and stood there until it passed completely. The other guy said, “You know, that was really decent of you to do that.” The first man replied, “Yeah, it’s the least … Read more
A woman went to the hospital to have her baby. When she was admitted, the doctor came in and said, “We have a new program where the father feels the pain.” After about half an hour into labor, the father said, “This is cool, I don’t feel anything.” The next day, they came home from … Read more
There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, “I wish I was with my family” and *poof* he was with his family. The second … Read more
A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: “Our deepest sympathy.” But she was not nearly as … Read more
A middle-aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months. She always bought just one large can of dog food. One day, the grocery clerk asked the woman what kind of dog she had. She replied, “I don’t have a dog; my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he … Read more
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where have you been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor … Read more
Two buddies were drinking in a bar one night and had become extremely drunk. One guy was so drunk that he had gotten sick all over his shirt. He looks at his buddy and says, “My wife is gonna kill me when I get home, this is a brand new shirt!” His buddy looks at … Read more
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7.” Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure. By the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.” Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7. Did you copy the report from … Read more
There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman sitting on the edge of a cliff having a picnic. The Scotsman says, “Oh god, I’ve got ham in my sandwiches again. If I get ham tomorrow, I’ll jump off this cliff.” The Englishman looks in his sandwiches and says, “Oh, I’ve got beef in my … Read more
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: “I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.” Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: “I’ve circled the block … Read more