A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. “I’d like one undercooked egg so that it’s runny, and one overcooked egg so that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt … Read more
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. “What’s that?” he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.” Horrified, she said, “Tarzan, … Read more
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired. “Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.” … Read more
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. “What size?” asks the clerk. “Gee, I don’t know.” “Go see Sophie in aisle 4.” He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, “Medium!” The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in … Read more
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between one and ten,” he said. “If you guess right, you win free sex.” “Okay,” agreed one … Read more
Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible. They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if … Read more
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. The judge asked, “Phil, is it true that in the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?” Phil replies, “Yes, Judge, that is correct.” “And how do you explain this unusual conduct?” the judge inquires. … Read more
A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty-dollar bills. The man asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with the jar of money?” “Well,” the bartender says, “I’ve got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a … Read more
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?” “I’m sure I can,” the psychiatrist … Read more
James was on the beach and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls while he had no luck. So he asked Rich, “Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?” Bob replied, “Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!” So James … Read more