Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let … Read more
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy, and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of … Read more
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.” A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, … Read more
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.” “Why does the parrot cost so much?” the customer asks. The owner says, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.” The … Read more
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: “Ames” – “Here!” “Jenson” – “Here!” “Jones” – “Here!” “Magersky” – “Here!” “Seeback” No answer. “Seeback!” No answer was heard again. “SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent. At … Read more
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally, it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out the window. “Cow on the track!” replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees … Read more
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of … Read more
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, “You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.” “Well,” said the other woman, “that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!”
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview … Read more
“I have a bad headache. I’ll visit the doctor.” “Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don’t you try it?” “Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I’ll be right over.”