A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, “And what will your third wish be?” The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?” … Read more
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of … Read more
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over … Read more
His And Hers ATMs HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card, and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you’re too far … Read more
Three blondes were stuck on an island. Then, a magic fairy appeared and gave them each a wish. The first one asked to be really smart, so the fairy turned her into a redhead and she swam off the island. The second blonde asked to be even smarter, so the fairy turned her into a … Read more
This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and, you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to … Read more
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!” The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast … Read more
A few weeks before his death, Orson Welles was talking to his friend and fellow film director Henry Jaglom about Welles’ landmark movie, Citizen Kane. “Make me one promise,” he told Jaglom, “Keep Ted Turner and his goddamned crayolas away from my movie.” Fortunately, when the movie was made, Welles had negotiated a contract with … Read more
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when … Read more
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51,” right? Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. … Read more