Bill and Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. “Bill, Bill, wake up.” Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, “Bill, Bill, wake up.” Bill finally wakes up and says, “What do you want?” Hillary responds, “I have to go use the bathroom.” … Read more
A long New Orleans-style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it’s led by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 300 people. A bystander asks the man, “What’s going on?” The man replies, “My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral.” The bystander then asks, … Read more
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?” “My neighbor John Smith is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed.” “We’ll take notice of this.” The next day, the FBI goes to Smith’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no … Read more
A village blacksmith, working at his open forge, hammering a white-hot horseshoe, had just finished the shoe and thrown it on the ground to cool. A real wanna-be redneck walked in at just that moment. He picked up the horseshoe and fumbled with it while howling in pain. He then dropped it and tried to … Read more
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to … Read more
Pilot: Pilot to tower… pilot to tower… I am 300 miles from land… 600 feet high and running out of gas… please instruct… over. Tower: Tower to pilot… tower to pilot… Repeat after me… “Our Father, which art in heaven…”
The inmates of a prison had a joke book they all had memorized. The way they recited them was by the number of the joke. Some fellow would call out a number from 1 to 1000 and all would laugh. A new man in the prison, after studying the book, said he wanted to tell … Read more
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $15 on the lowest score for the day.” Barney agrees … Read more
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it … Read more
Two rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, “Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?” “Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat.” “You idiot. What if we were gonna take a different … Read more