Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, “Are you crazy? You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!” “I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. … Read more
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells … Read more
One day, the lawyer decided to get away from the pressures of lying to people and go skiing for a week. Just as luck would have it, a few moments after he had just started skiing, he heard a rumbling. In a few seconds, he saw a huge mass of snow rushing towards him. Luckily, … Read more
A duck hunter, proud of his marksmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time, a lone duck flew by. “Watch this,” whispered the dad as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. “My boy,” said the hunter, “you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies … Read more
A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. “Who is it?” she called out. “Blind man,” came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man’s jaw dropped and he stammered, “Wh-where do you … Read more
A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, “Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in connection to this, I’d like everyone to read Mark 17.” On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, “Now then, all of you who have done as requested … Read more
“I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!” “That’s nothing. I was fishing the other day and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!” “If you blow out the light, I’ll take 200 pounds off the marlin.”
There once was a redneck who decided to buy a chainsaw. A logging foreman sold him one that he guaranteed would cut down 15 trees in a single day. A week later, a very unhappy redneck came back to report that the saw must be faulty. He only cut one tree per day. The foreman … Read more
A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchased one of their PCs. “The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!” The employee … Read more
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room … Read more