A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The … Read more
Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and strikes up a conversation with the landlord. Fellow: “I shouldn’t drink this with what I’ve got!” Landlord: “Why, what have you got?” Fellow: “Fifty Pence!”
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, … Read more
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, “Hey, buddy, this is my car!” “OK,” the … Read more
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, God! Help … Read more
Gravy Ladle In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and … Read more
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?” Santa asks. “I want a Barbie and Xena,” the little girl replies. Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie … Read more
Two sausages were in a pan. One sausage turns to the other and says, “Man, it’s getting hot in here.” The other sausage screams and says, “AH! A talking sausage!!”
A biologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were sitting in a bar drinking coffee. Across the street, they watched as 2 people walked into the house, and then 3 people came out. “They must have reproduced!” cried the biologist. “It can’t be physically done!” cried the psychologist. “You guys are both wrong,” said the mathematician. … Read more
A grasshopper walks into a bar and walks up to the bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” “Really?” asks the grasshopper, “You have a drink named Steve?”