My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor was he ever seen to have friends or pets. We thought he was the primordial loner until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our … Read more
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. “There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,” said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. “Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.” “That’s nothing compared to what my Anna … Read more
Rich Texans are fabled for their grand style, but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise-lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far. “J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?” he … Read more
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon, all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get … Read more
Jerry Jones calls Michael Irvin in for a meeting: “Michael,” he says, “That was a close one. You’ll have to be careful from now on.” “What do you recommend, boss?” “From now on, it’s Pepsi and Nike, not COKE and NOOKIE.”
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.” “You don’t understand,” says the man. “This is no regular dog, he can talk.” “Listen, pal,” says the bartender. “If that dog can talk, I’ll give you a hundred bucks.” The man puts the dog on … Read more
Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says, “I’m going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.” Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, “If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 … Read more
Bob was in love with Nancy, the beautiful young woman across the street. Unfortunately, Bob had a speech impediment and she wouldn’t marry him because he talked funny. One day he read about a school on the other side of the country that might be able to help him overcome his handicap. So he enrolled … Read more
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, “How’d you do that?” “I could tell you, sir,” the magician answered, “but then I’d have to kill you.” After a short pause, the man … Read more
A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out. The next day he wrote his uncle, “I chased them through my neighbor’s yard, but only got back eleven.” The uncle wrote back: “You did all right. I only sent six.”