I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following: “I have good news, and I have bad news. First, the bad news: we need a new roof. Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!” (waits for pleased murmurs to recede) “Next, more bad news: the … Read more
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, “Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here forty years ago.” The guy stopped the car. His … Read more
Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday. Shlomo, the oldest, said: “I built a big mansion for our mother.” Moishe, the second, said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” Ira, the youngest, said: “You remember how our mama used … Read more
Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days. “Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.” “Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.” “What was the jingle?” … Read more
A blind man and his dog go into the supermarket. The blind man takes his dog by the collar and starts to swing him around over his head, knocking things off the shelves. The manager comes up to the blind man and asks, “Excuse me, sir, can I help you?” The blind man answers, “No … Read more
So you want the day off? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for… There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away … Read more
It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, “The first ones to answer correctly the questions … Read more
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign: “Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.”
Coach Walker enters the locker room and eyes one of his players. “Son, I hate to do this to you. I realize that you’re the star of the team, but you’re failing your classes and I can’t let you play.” “Give me a break, coach!” pleads the jock. “I’ll tell you what – I’ll ask … Read more
Moses, Jesus, and an old guy are playing golf. They come to a hole with a big river running through it. Moses tees off, and the ball lands in the water. He grabs his club, holds it up, and parts the water. He walks down to the water and chips it out. Jesus is next. … Read more