A man walks into a store and sees a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, “May I help you with anything?” “Yea! What is that?” “Why, that’s a thermos!” “What’s it do?” “It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!” “I’ll take it.” The next day the man goes to work … Read more
A priest went to buy a parrot. “Are you sure it doesn’t swear?” asked the priest. “Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assured him. “Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord’s Prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the … Read more
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for … Read more
Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, “I’m sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you … Read more
Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, “You’re lying!” The other politician responded, “I know, but hear me out.”
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, “How’d you do that?” “I could tell you, sir,” the magician answered, “but then I’d have to kill you.” After a short pause, the man … Read more
An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, … Read more
You Know You’re a Mother When… 1. You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal. 2. You have the time to shave only one leg at a time. 3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone. 4. Your kid throws up and you catch it. 5. Someone else’s kid … Read more
A minister dies and goes to heaven. Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said, “I was the taxi cab driver of New York City.” St. Peter hands him a silk robe and a … Read more