Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. “One thing about my buddy here,” the other man said proudly to the bartender, “Nobody can say he doesn’t know when to stop!” Q: What two 4-letter words do men hate? A: Don’t and stop… unless … Read more
Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer: 1. You met him in prison. 2. His last good case was a Budweiser. 3. All his law books are from Time-Life. 4. He picks the jury by playing duck, duck, goose.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered voice on the first ring, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a … Read more
President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. An impeccably dressed Marine Guard greets the President, coming to attention and snapping out a razor-sharp salute. “Welcome back, SIR! Nice pig you got there, SIR!” President: “This here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.” Marine Guard: “Nice trade, … Read more
A couple of carpet layers are installing new carpeting in the home of a pompous rich woman. They get the carpet all laid and one of them can’t find his pack of cigarettes. He checks his pockets, etc., until finally his buddy spots a lump under the carpet. “Geez,” he says, “we better handle this … Read more
When Mother Teresa died, she went to Heaven. For a week or two, she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St. Peter and asked for a cooked meal. “My Dear,” said St. Peter, “and who is going to cook every day for just … Read more
I was reminded today just how awful my wife’s cooking was when we were first married. Yes, it’s cliche but it’s true. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled … Read more
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall, cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?” “It was terrible,” … Read more
Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she had at work. Judi’s boss had suffered a heart attack and died. Monika said, “How horrible! What did you do?” Judi shook her head. “There was nothing I could do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn’t tell me the rest of … Read more
Roy was a gas station attendant. One day he was filling up another car when he spotted three penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. Baffled, Roy asked the driver, “What’s up with those penguins?” The man in the car replied, “I found them by the side of the road. But to tell … Read more