Here is the corrected version: – Any ship can be a minesweeper… once. – Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you. – Five-second fuses only last three seconds. – If the enemy is in range, so are you. – Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you. – Never trust a private … Read more
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.” “Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience. “I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often … Read more
It was primary time, and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. “I promise better education opportunities … Read more
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a very rural area. Luckily, Farmer Jones came to help with his big, strong horse named Hobo. He hitched ole Hobo up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Hobo didn’t move a muscle, just flicked away a fly with his tail. Then Jones hollered … Read more
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks for help to revive her man’s sex drive. “What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor. “Not a chance,” says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.” “No problem,” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee; he won’t even taste it. Try … Read more
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?” A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?” … Read more
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he … Read more
The Washington Post’s “Style Invitational” asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: – Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. – Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. – … Read more
In Praise Of Older Women An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think. Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. Older … Read more
A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He’s going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, “I’ve heard just about enough of your damn hillbilly jokes; we ain’t all stupid here in the South.” Flustered, … Read more