A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley and is browsing the cages on display. While there, a customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey, please.” The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage, and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands … Read more
If operating systems were the airlines: UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS: Everybody pushes the … Read more
If men really did rule the world… – Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. – Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.” – Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards. – When … Read more
MURPHY’S LAWS FOR PARENTS 1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week. 2. Leakproof thermoses will leak. 3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 4. The garbage truck will be two doors … Read more
The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary’s new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bulletproof windows, floodlights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary is on her way home.
A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined. After the trial, he asked the judge, “Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?” The judge said that was true. … Read more
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” – Henny Youngman “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – George Burns
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk … Read more
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest. “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my … Read more
OLD & NEW CONCERNS FOR THE BABY BOOMER Then: Long hair. Now: Longing for hair. Then: Keg Now: EKG. Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux. Then: Moving to California because it’s cool. Now: Moving to California because it’s hot. Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents. Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with … Read more