When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps you should start at the very beginning.” “Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”
The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself. “After all!” he thought. “I AM the CEO!” He pulled up to a very old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old … Read more
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, “Congratulations, sir. You’re the father of twins!” “What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!” Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the … Read more
1st Officer: “Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?” 2nd Officer: “Who?” 1st Officer: “Janet Jackson!” 2nd Officer: “What did she do, was she speeding?” 1st Officer: “Nah, she had one headlight out.”
In an effort to get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spent relaxing weekends camping in their motorhome. One day they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning but unwelcome visits from other campers. Talking it over, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they … Read more
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What’s politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your … Read more
Monica L. had taken some clothes in to be cleaned. The attendant was an old man, hard of hearing. She was telling the man what she wanted and was holding a dress while talking. The old man put a hand up to his ear and said, “Come again?” “No,” said Monica, “It’s mustard this time!”
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd, shaking hands, kissing babies, and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take … Read more
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They … Read more
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?” Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and … Read more